Britney Spears returned to CBS’s How I Met Your Mother Monday as Abby, the silly-vulnerable receptionist with an unrequited crush on Ted (Josh Radnor). The ratings spiked with her first appearance, so she was quickly shoehorned into this new episode.

The fact that Britney’s second guest spot really didn’t work was no fault of hers. She’s not at all bad at playing clunkily-sweetly dumb. I liked the way she tried to vent her conflicted feelings of anger and love for Ted while lying in bed and staring dreamily at the ceiling: “You know what I hate most about Ted? His stupid hair … His stupid, lame, awesome hair. It’s so stupid and awesome,” she said with a cute, singsong lilt.

But the script was an awful piece of specialty construction. Abby’s reverie occurred in a bed shared with Barney (Neil Patrick Harris), who was also feeling rejected by Ted — as a friend. His and Abby’s mutual annoyance turned them both on, so they slept together.

Then they decided to pose as a couple to annoy Ted. Then Barney carried the joke too far by proposing to Abby. Then Abby suddenly thought Barney really loved her. Then, to get out of the engagement, Barney told Abby that their romance had done the trick and now a jealous Ted did love Abby. And then Abby got this crazy love-hungry Shelley Winters-like gleam in her eye, setting up the possibility for a third guest spot.

Well, that’s a lot to cram into the subplot of a 20-odd-minute show. It would have taken me less time to type out the synopsis of Dangerous Liaisons. The twists felt arbitrary and perverse, even for a so-so sitcom, which is what HIMYM is.

It’s time for Britney to move on to her next cameo project. Ugly Betty would have been a good fit, but Lindsay Lohan is already there. –Tom Gliatto

Rumor has it that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are getting married this Saturday. Nothing like an “unexpected” (you know Ashlee tricked Pete) pregnancy to make a wedding happen in Hollywood. The guests don’t know where the wedding is at yet, but they’ve received save the dates and they know they will be privately transported to the wedding site.

Umm, who the hell do these two think they are? Are they even big enough celebrities to pull this secret location shit? And does anyone care enough to tell the press? Hell, if I was invited I wouldn’t even go because the chances are pretty good that one of those two doofus’s is going to sing at the wedding. Yuck. Plus, Jessica Simpson will be there carrying around her mangy dog Daisy and wearing stupid hair extensions just generally being dumb. I wonder if they’ll invite Nick Lachey? Then I’d go. Just to see the drunk-wedding dram unfold.

Motherhood must really be taking its toll on old J.Lo because she looks used and abused. She always wore about 12 lbs of make-up, so that’s not new, but it looks more cakey and disgusting now. And she just seems like she’s really faking to act semi-happy. I don’t know, she just looks like shit here and, well, lately.

I bet she has a bunch of nannies who are “taking care of” (aka raising) her twins. Do you guys think she and Marc Anthony are being real, normal parents or do you think they are being typical celebrities?

Everyone hates PMOY Jayde Nicole *Bastardly*

Tori Spelling reprising her role as Donna Martin *CelebWarship*

Britney Spears is really fat or pregnant *Yeeeah!*

Sarah Jessica Parker has tight lips about her movie *ICYDK*

Mariah Carey has alien boobies *Bossip*

Vanessa Minnillo channeling Jessica Simpson *INO*

Nancy Grace’s twins on Good Housekeeping *Dlisted*

Jenna Bush, the daughter of the President, got married over the weekend. I would put who to, where at, and all that, but it’s all over the news and I know you really don’t care. Just look at the pictures–they’re far more interesting.

I like Jenna Bush because she is such a fake! She is so much of a fake that you have to like her. She’s past the fakeness that you hate and on to the fakeness that you just have to love. Remember when she used to get drunk all the time, fall down in public, and change her underwear for the world to see? Oh you know she is still that girl, only tamed. I don’t believe for one second she isn’t still that girl! That is why I love her. Cause I know she’s still that skeeze she used to be. It’s only a matter of time before the old Jenna Bush reappears!

Jamie Lynn Spears is doing so much better with her pregnancy than Britney did with either of her two pregnancies. I mean, she’s actually taking showers and getting dressed up! Britney always looked like her hair hadn’t been washed since the baby was conceived and she dressed like crap, too. But here’s Jamie Lynn, all dressed up and looking cute (I could live without the glasses), getting gas and running errands. She should be careful in those heels but still, she looks good. Props to her.

Who knows if John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are really dating. We’ve seen pictures of them together, including this newest one of the two of them cuddling in at Mandarin Oriental in Miami, but what does that prove? John Mayer goes through chicks like Amy Winehouse goes through a ten-sack. I just want Jennifer to find someone and get gobs of press attention. I want her to overshadow Angie because, really, aren’t we all getting tired of Angie? I am.

Amy Winehouse has been skinny the last couple of years. I mean, we all know it’s due to her addiction to drugs but lately I’ve been looking at pictures of her wondering if she doesn’t have an eating disorder or something, too? Her body is all sunken in and her bones are sticking out. She seriously is so messed up. I don’t get why someone doesn’t just grab a hold of her and say “you have to clean your act up or you are going to die.” Yuck.

And what’s with her running barefoot and topless throughout the woods? That’s screaming “I’m on a ferocious drug trip” yet there are never any police around to question her. She is going to kill herself with drugs and then people are going to look back and have a lot of regrets. Sadly this is true!

This picture of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise at David Beckham’s game have people whispering that maybe Katie is pregnant again. I think they seem like good parents so if she is pregnant again, would it really be the worst thing ever? I mean, I definitely think he’s a pathetic weirdo who had to hold a casting call for his potential wife and Katie Holmes was desperate to be famous so she bit and now here we are. But nonetheless, Suri is spoiled and taken care of so what’s wrong?

And it may be the shitty picture quality but doesn’t Katie look like her hair is gray? That’s more to talk about than her bump.. I think. Besides, that doesn’t look like a baby bump. That looks like she’s wearing a hideous outfit with a grandma belt that is MAKING a bump. I don’t know, what do you think?

Michelle Monaghan looking pretty good *Bastardly*

Angelina Jolie takes her kids to McDonalds again *ASL*

Carmen Electra gives out sex tips *INO*

O.J. claiming he confessed to killing Nicole *ICYDK*

Lindsay Lohan keeps losing jobs *Yeeeah!*

What’s wrong with Whitney Houston now? *Bossip*

Megan Fox in a nude colored bikini *WWTDD*